Update

I've figured out my plans (for the most part) and it looks like I'll be home on February 8th/9th. Woohoo! I am so excited for my upcoming trip to Australia too!!!! I can hardly handle it. I am heading to Sydney on the 26th, to meet my Mom and Tom, and we are going to be there through the New Year. Kim joins us on New Year's Eve and then we are off to Cairns to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef. We also have a white water rafting trip and hike through the rainforest planned. Kim goes home on the 5th and we head to Ayer's Rock, which is a huge rock in the desert in the middle of Australia and it's a monumental part of the country. The plan is to hire a car and we are going to Alice Springs and King's Canyon through the 11th. At that point, my Mom and Tom head back to Sydney and I'm going to hop on a bus and head to Adelaide which is supposed to be this cool, hippy-type town with a great live music scene. I'm going to hang there for a few days, and then I fly to Brisbane, which has some of the best surfing in Australia. I'm not the greatest surfer in the world but I am determined to get up one more time in my life so this could be my chance!!!! :) Anyway, I will then go to the place that I am volunteering for a couple of weeks- I found a meditation retreat that will take me on... I am so excited! Here's the web address if you want to check it out: www.upc.com.au. It is surrounded by mountains and its supposed to be quite peaceful. It's just the kind of break I was hoping for. I am really looking forward to some down time where I can collect my thoughts and relax a bit. I have to work 4-6 hours/day but that doesn't seem that bad considering I'm getting room and board taken care of. I will head back to Sydney on the 27th or so and then I'm flying back to Bangkok on the 2nd. I will be here for Kim's birthday, for Debbie's (Joann's sister) 40th and hopefully, I will get to see everyone one last time. I also get to leave some stuff here which is incredibly helpful!

My last day of work is on Saturday and I'm really happy that this day has come. I feel good about the decision I made and that it's the right one for me. It has been tough to say goodbye to all of my students and a bit strained between my boss and I but everyone ultimately understands. It was pretty funny to have one of my student's Mom look me up and down the other day and tell me that I don't look sick. Oh, I'm sorry- I didn't know you were a doctor! Do you want to know all of my symptoms or should we just move on? :)

I'm pretty well packed in my mind to leave this place but my stuff is a different story. I'm stressed about it but I'm sure I can get it all taken care of next week so I'm trying not to be too stressed.

That's it for now! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your holidays. I'm sending you some Christmas cheer, smiles and good times.

XOXO,
Sonya

Coming Home!

So, most of you know by now, but I'm coming home soon! I put in my two-weeks last Sunday and everything has been moving at a really fast pace since. I am preparing my departure and can't believe that I've collected so much stuff since I've been here. Luckily, I have been able to find good homes for most of my things and it hasn't been too hard. I am really excited to come home but the decision has definitely been bittersweet. I am trying to hold space for both emotions at the same time which is quite the challenge!

Kim and I broke up over a month ago and that has been really hard. I know that it was the best thing to do in the situation but it has been hard for both of us. I haven't been able to be open/available in the relationship for some time now, particularly since she's been in Thailand. I have also been tending to my own emotional turmoil which has taken up the majority of my energy and strength... Then add in the stress of a new job that requires a lot of my time, living in a new country, in a HUGE city, away from my support group and it was just more than I could bear. We have had some difficult days but the bottom line is that we both truly care for each other and I hope that we are great friends someday.

The main reason I have decided to come home is because I have been sick for almost 5 months now. Without getting into the gory details, I have had stomach issues and I've been to the doctor 8 times but they've been unable to properly diagnose the problem. According to my blood tests and everything else, I am healthy, in good shape and have no problems, but I just can't seem to get better. So, they have treated me for a myriad of options and I'm constantly taking some sort of pill but there hasn't been any improvement. With that being the case, I feel like it's a good idea to come home and take care of this there.

That being said, everything else has been weighing on me greatly... The illness is probably just what moved this whole situation into the completely unmanageable realm. Work has drained me since I've started and although I've gotten a lot better, the hours never seem to reduce and it has constantly overwhelmed my life. Jeff, my best friend here in Bangkok, left to go back home and it was been really hard without him here. He is someone I will always be friends with- he's got my back, I've got his; we talk about everything or nothing; have a similar approach to life; and we like to have a good laugh. His friendship has been the most valuable thing I've gained from this trip. I already miss him.

I'm sure you're wondering what's next... Honestly, I have no idea and that freaks me out! I am going to Australia on the trip to meet my Mom and Tom and well, I'm just not going back to Thailand. I have decided to stay in Australia for a bit longer than them and volunteer at an organice farm for a couple of weeks. The farm owners will provide me with room and board which is a cheap way to stay in the country and it's summer there so it should be gorgeous. I'm thinking somewhere along the east coast so that I can enjoy the ocean and mountains at the same time. I'm looking forward to relaxing, eating clean and healthy food and getting my thoughts together before heading home. I'm not sure when I will be back in Austin, but it should be the latter part of January-the beginning of February.

I'll just figure everything else out when I get home... I have a few options on the table and although they are mostly temporary things, they are enticing in their own ways. As far as my overall future, I still haven't figured that one out and I'm ok with that for now. I know that this is the best decision for me, right now, and that's all I can know so I'm sitting in that place as comfortably as possible. I am so excited to see everyone! By the time I get back, I'll have been gone for 10-11 months and that really does feel like forever.

You are all in my thoughts and I carry you in my heart.

Much love,
Sonya

I'm a Teacher!

Here are a few photos of me teaching!

Sorry that it has been a bit of time since I last blogged... I always intend to do better but well, life is just busy! My teaching hours are high again which equates to some pretty long days. I worked 10+ hours everyday this week, without lunch and I went in on my day off. It is amazing how much energy and time teaching takes. I had no idea and I have a new-found respect for anyone that is a teacher. I am learning a lot though and I feel more comfortable with my abilities, which feels really good. I've been teaching for almost 5 months now which is shocking to think about!

I've been trying to have some fun on my days off but surprisingly, that is kind of hard to do in Bangkok. It is such a big city and I know that there are things to do, but I just can't seem to figure out what. I find myself working out, watching movies and just bumming around a lot. It can be a bit boring but sitting with the boredom has proven to be a good lesson for me. I have been reading a lot, keeping up with the world news and my brain feels more activated than before. I'm really thinking about what is going on in the world, ideas, opinions, why the way things are as they are, etc. It has been fruitful and quite enjoyable really.

I also have a few trips planned during the next couple of months and Rheannon and James are going to be here over the Thanksgiving holiday too. I'm really looking forward to that! Kim and I are meeting my Mom and Tom in Australia for the Christmas/New Year's holiday. We are going to the Great Barrier Reef and we get to see the fireworks over the Opera House on New Year's Eve. It is a once-in-a-lifetime experience- how cool!

Kim and I had a bar-b-q at our place last night and it was a lot of fun. We had a tiny, electric grill that took forever to cook on but that's just how grilling goes sometimes. Everyone from my office came and we ate tons of food- burgers, chicken wings, potatoes, corn, carrots and onions. Yum! We ate straight-up American fare but it was shared with Thais and a Japanese girl (that one of my co-workers is dating) so the theme was 'East meets West.' Good times. :)

Aside from the boredom, I am still really missing home. I have a hard time imagining myself being away from everyone for another year! That just feels like an eternity and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to manage it. It's tough though... Kim's contract doesn't end until the latter part of September 2010 and that is a major factor in how long I will stay here. We'll just see how this goes I guess...

I feel like I have a lot of personal work to do while on this little adventure so I'm trying to focus on that as well. I am challenging myself to be more present, open and honest with my thoughts and emotions. This has led me down a few dark paths but I am determined to come out the other side. I don't want to continue carrying the guilt, pain, sadness and shame that has burdened me for so long now. This, I know, is the reason why I came to Thailand. I'm in the middle of my personal journey and am working hard in order to reach my goals. It's difficult but very worthwhile in the end.

I miss you all and hope you are smiling. XOXO

Austin Moments

Hi all,

I'm back in the land of the lawless and I am happy to say that the transition hasn't been as difficult as anticipated. I don't have to create a new life for myself so I've been able to find comfort in my routine and the normalcy of my daily life. I do miss everyone already though! It was so nice to be home... It was so nice to just be. The good thing about being here is that there is something new to do everyday and that is exhilerating, but it can also be exhausting! For now, I am happy and feel good about things. I am trying to keep it all in perspective and to just enjoy it all as much as possible.

My work hours are picking up again but it isn't as overwhelming as before which is nice. I finally feel like I kind of know what I am doing! That being said, I completely confused a student of mine the other day (over past perfect simple) but that is to be expected. I am still learning and I was able to take a lot from that lesson. The best part about teaching is that I get an opportunity to correct it/do better the next time I teach them.

It was really good to see Kim again! She started her new job while I was away and seems to be enjoying it. She has a ridiculous commute of an hour to and from work and we have opposite schedules which isn't much fun. But, we are trying to figure that out and will get to a better place with it. I am happy that she has started her teaching journey here and she seems happy with it as well. I just hope I still get to see her! :)

I promise to blog more and to keep in touch better. The thought of being away from everyone for another year is too much to carry at times, but I have come to terms with that thought by promising myself to continue communicating as much as possible.

For now, here are my Top 10 Austin Moments:

1. Friends and Family.
All of the love, respect, care and support that I felt from home still fills my heart with joy and happiness. I am so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life. Words really aren't enough to describe this feeling but I think you all know what I am trying to say.

2. Google Bacon Scarf.
For those of you that don't know... bacon is back, in a big way! Seriously though, google bacon scarf if you get the chance.

3. Gorilla Bear.
This is the same as 'grow a pair' for those of you that can't hear very well. That's when a guy has small balls and needs to man up, in case you were confused. :)

4. If you have something important to say and want to get people's attention, simply touch your right armpit with your left hand and it's a sure bet- they WILL look at you.

5. Jumping off my Mom's boat dock with Tiff.
Overcoming the fear of just going for it is an incredible feeling, but follow it with a few seconds of free fall and it is one of those moments where you understand what life is about. Oh, and try to make sure that Theo doesn't follow you, because he will.

6. Pool and lake time.
Relaxing and enjoying friends and family. Not sure if it gets much better than that. Not to mention that you're cheeks will hurt from laughing so much.

7. Late night creek-side.
Sitting on the rocks, overlooking the water and talking about life. Good times! The world's worst Bloody Mary couldn't even ruin that.

8. Mexican Food.
SO GOOD! Polvo's, El Chilito and my Mom's fajitas all shared with a glorious margarita, or two. Oh, I miss that already.

9. Bud Light.
Sadly, I do miss Bud Light. I'm not sure if its the beer or the time spent talking with friends that I associate with it. Does it matter?

10. Ping Pong Tournaments.
Massive ping pong tournaments that last for hours. I forgot how much fun that is and how, surprisingly, it gets my adrenaline running. I am looking for a ping pong league in Bangkok. I will join one if I can find it but I must admit that I am scared of Asian ping pong players.

I hope you are well and I will talk with you soon! XOXO

Heading Back to BKK

I'm just sitting in the airport in Taiwan almost back to BKK after a long day of traveling... I had such a great time being home and getting to see everyone! I want to thank all of you for showing up and spending time with me- it means the world to me. It is so heartwarming to know that although things happen and people do change, that my relationships with those people don't. I have to admit that I was a bit surprised by how easy it was to slip right back into our common interactions. It makes me feel a little less separated which is really nice. I do have to say that leaving this time was much harder for me. I have found myself just breaking down in tears on this trip back to Bangkok because I am overwhelmed by the love and the special people I have in my life. I am truly blessed and it makes me sad to know that I won't be in physical contact with everyone for another year. It actually kind of hurts. That being said, I am excited to go back to Bangkok... I really do have some wonderful people and things there that make me happy. But I feel like this time, it's going to be a bit more work (which is both good an bad). I have broken down some internal walls and am still currently floundering in that spot. I am aware that this time is my opportunity to rebuild all of this and to learn myself more and more. I am scared and overwhelmed but excited none-the-less. I still have more to do here.

I am really looking forward to seeing Kim and to continuing our journey together. I love that we have made this huge leap of faith in ourselves and each other and that is so special to me. I am excited to continue exploring the world and to challenge myself in some very meaningful ways. It will be work but all of it will be rewarding. I am trying to stay focused on the process, not the outcome which means that everyday is something to be cherished.

Just know that all of you have a special place in my heart and I will do a much better job at blogging and staying in touch. :) I don't want to talk about how long it will be until I see you, but I do want to say that I am here for you too.

My love and admiration- XOXO

ATX Baby

As most of you know... I am coming home in September (the 16th-23rd to be exact) and I am so excited!!! I can't wait to see everyone and spend time with my loved ones and support group. I am looking forward to sharing laughs, catching up on the past 5 months and eating some Tex-Mex which is the food I miss the most. Although I am excited, I am a bit worried as well. I feel like I've finally hit my stride here in Bangkok- I like my job more and more, I have more free time on my hands, Kim just finished her CELTA today and I have managed to make some truly amazing friends. I am afraid that I will get homesick all over again when I get back and not be able to enjoy my moments here in the same way. That being said, I know it's an attitude and mostly within my control but I am scared that I am just not going to want to be here anymore. It's a small fear and I am trying to focus on the good times that I will have with everyone and when I am back in Thailand. For some strange reason, I know that I am supposed to be here and that my time in this beautiful country isn't done...

Now I'll delve into my experience here a bit more. I have finally gotten a better handle on how I approach my days and that has made a HUGE difference. I not only feel more comfortable with teaching (it has been 3 months since I started) but I am just having a lot more fun with it. If a lesson doesn't go perfectly, then I'm taking what I can from it in order to do a better job next time. My hours have dropped quite a bit so I have more free time to do things and finally get some sleep! I'm working out, reading, visiting new parts of the city and spending more time with friends. It's all proper fun (which is my new favorite phrase).

I went to Hua Hin, which is a beach where the King lives, for a day trip a couple of weeks ago and that was really nice. It was good to get out of the hustle and bustle of the city and it actually made me appreciate Bangkok more. I (of course) got a weird sunburn, ran on the beach, drank a few beers and munched on fresh crab while there. I had my first bus experience in Thailand which is a lot like riding buses in Mexico and it was actually kind of fun, albeit hot.

That being said, I am still searching for balance in my life but I feel like I'm being much more honest with myself (and the people around me) than I've been able to do for a while now. I know that I am not going to teach English or live in Bangkok for the rest of my life, but I am finding my own sense of home in my skin and that has been so liberating. Life is pretty good right now so I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts and keep moving forward as best I can.

Love you all and can't wait to see you. The plan is to go to Polvo's on Saturday night and then to either the Mean Eyed Cat or G&S. Hope to see you all there! XOXO

Update

Thanks to everyone that has offered their support, warmth and love during my somewhat low and difficult times. You all have my admiration, devotion and ever-lasting friendship!

To update you about how I'm doing now- Well, I'm doing much better! Having Kim here has been a bit challenging (as predicted) but it has also been great! We are both getting used to have each other around again... then add in the fact that we're in a new city, with new jobs/studies and living together for the first time and its taking a bit of adjustment. :) But, it is so nice to have her here to explore Bangkok with, to share my everyday thoughts and to just chill out with after a long day, or week. She is about to finish the first week of her CELTA course and she's feeling stressed out by the workload. Having just been through it, I completely understand and I can't help but smile. I was SO THERE not long ago and I guess you just get through it, look back and have a little laugh about the good times and reflect on how much you've learned.

As far as the job goes... the situation hasn't gotten that much better but my attitude has. I am still working far too much but I am not putting as much pressure on myself. I am trying to just learn from it and have fun while doing so. I feel like I'm getting the hang of it a bit better but there are still extremely challenging moments. The whole thing has been great for me though! I have fully grasped the fact that my approach and mindframe is the largest contrubuting factor to happiness in any job (or life for that matter!). Of course there are other factors and I know this sounds really simple, but it has been something I've had to work really hard at accepting. It is quite liberating!

Bangkok is still a tough city to live in but I am getting more and more used to it all. I'm not as exhausted by the day anymore and I've managed to do some fun things as well. I hit golf balls at a driving range with friends yesterday, have seen a few movies, been bowling and I'm working out regularly. Last week, Kim and I went to Chinatown and visited Khao San Road (which is backpacker central and there are a lot of cool places like coffee shops and bars) and that was a lot of fun!

So, all in all, let's just say that I'm adjusting better. I have had a few moments in the past 2 weeks where I just think, 'I'm in Bangkok!' It intensely overwhelms me with strength, wonderment and pride. I can't believe that I actually did this and I become even more determined to enjoy each moment as much as possible.

I miss everyone a lot but know that I think about you all of the time. I hope you are all doing well and surviving the heat!

Always,
Sonya