First of all, let me apologize for how long it has been since I last blogged. The reasons will become clear as you read on. :)
Life has been a bit difficult for me lately... Teaching is really hard and if I thought I was getting into a job that would allow me to work less hours than real estate, then I was mistaken. I worked 58 hours in 6 days this past week! Just teaching, in it of itself, is very challenging even without the crazy hours. I have endured being fired by a student (for being boring!) along with having one throw a tantrum and leave the classroom. She is 7 and refused to do anything- it was so bad that she said she didn't want to sit or stand. What do you do with that?- As it turns out she had a 100 degree temperature and was incredibly sick which is why she acted as she did, but still... It hit me pretty hard. All of this forced my insecurities and doubts to manifest into something utterly unavoidable. I have been on the move and doing so many things for the past few months that I was easily distracted from such things. I got to a point where I couldn't pull that off any longer and I was very low for while because of it.
It all started with my birthday... It was the first one I can recall that was not only away from my twin (which is HUGE) but also from my friends, family and support group. I had a few friends from my CELTA course here (one of whom traveled from Chiang Mai and that made me feel very special) and my work friends. We all went out and had a really good time but it was frankly, a bit empty. I am still getting to know these people so I couldn't just let loose and be me, which is something I desperately craved. Then, a bunch of my friends from back home (you know who you are! XOXO) and I had a Skype chat where they took shots with me at 8 am their time and we talked for almost an hour. What an amazing experience! I was so touched and overwhelmed by the love they have for me. It was amazing and hard at the same time. It made me miss everyone a lot and I had to get off at the end before I just started crying because I was so moved by it all. After that, Tiff, Kim and Liz made a cardboard cutout of me and took pictures around Austin of all my favorite places as if I was there. Wow! It was THE sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me and it made me so happy but exacerbated my desire to be home. Those next few weeks were filled with longing, loneliness and quite a bit of questioning as to what I'm doing here.
I finally got to a place where I became comfortable with the idea that I am here because I want to experience something else in my life. There is no doubt that the separation has made me recognize and appreciate what I have that much more. What a beautiful gift! I am slowly becoming more capable, knowledgable and able to teach English effectively. I'm making friends and am setting into life in Bangkok decently. There were a few weeks where seemingly almost anything could break me- be it waiting for mutliple trains to get to work, 7-11 not having an orange Fanta when I really wanted one, having to leave to get more water or not being able to sleep. I was breakable, no doubt, but somehow I always knew that I had enough in me to not break completely, and the thought of all the people back home that have my back kept me going.
I wouldn't say that I'm in a perfect place now- life is still challenging- but I feel good about where I'm at and I'm determined to live this experience to the fullest, whatever form it may come in. Kim gets here in 2 days which has assuaged my thoughts of loneliness and homesickness tremendously. However, I know that will bring its own set of hurdles to overcome. For better or worse, I have grown accustomed to my individual lifestyle and it will be a transition for me to re-write that. Through all of this, she has been my rock. Someone to talk to when I'm at my lowest that offers support, kind words and never-ending admiration of the person I am. That cannot be quantified in any sort of way and means the world to me. I really can't wait for this phase of my (slash our!) trip. :)
There is no doubt in my mind that I am blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life! Know that I think about you lovingly and often. I wish you all nothing less than happiness in every moment. And here is a big thank you for who you are and what you do for me!!!!
Life has been a bit difficult for me lately... Teaching is really hard and if I thought I was getting into a job that would allow me to work less hours than real estate, then I was mistaken. I worked 58 hours in 6 days this past week! Just teaching, in it of itself, is very challenging even without the crazy hours. I have endured being fired by a student (for being boring!) along with having one throw a tantrum and leave the classroom. She is 7 and refused to do anything- it was so bad that she said she didn't want to sit or stand. What do you do with that?- As it turns out she had a 100 degree temperature and was incredibly sick which is why she acted as she did, but still... It hit me pretty hard. All of this forced my insecurities and doubts to manifest into something utterly unavoidable. I have been on the move and doing so many things for the past few months that I was easily distracted from such things. I got to a point where I couldn't pull that off any longer and I was very low for while because of it.
It all started with my birthday... It was the first one I can recall that was not only away from my twin (which is HUGE) but also from my friends, family and support group. I had a few friends from my CELTA course here (one of whom traveled from Chiang Mai and that made me feel very special) and my work friends. We all went out and had a really good time but it was frankly, a bit empty. I am still getting to know these people so I couldn't just let loose and be me, which is something I desperately craved. Then, a bunch of my friends from back home (you know who you are! XOXO) and I had a Skype chat where they took shots with me at 8 am their time and we talked for almost an hour. What an amazing experience! I was so touched and overwhelmed by the love they have for me. It was amazing and hard at the same time. It made me miss everyone a lot and I had to get off at the end before I just started crying because I was so moved by it all. After that, Tiff, Kim and Liz made a cardboard cutout of me and took pictures around Austin of all my favorite places as if I was there. Wow! It was THE sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me and it made me so happy but exacerbated my desire to be home. Those next few weeks were filled with longing, loneliness and quite a bit of questioning as to what I'm doing here.
I finally got to a place where I became comfortable with the idea that I am here because I want to experience something else in my life. There is no doubt that the separation has made me recognize and appreciate what I have that much more. What a beautiful gift! I am slowly becoming more capable, knowledgable and able to teach English effectively. I'm making friends and am setting into life in Bangkok decently. There were a few weeks where seemingly almost anything could break me- be it waiting for mutliple trains to get to work, 7-11 not having an orange Fanta when I really wanted one, having to leave to get more water or not being able to sleep. I was breakable, no doubt, but somehow I always knew that I had enough in me to not break completely, and the thought of all the people back home that have my back kept me going.
I wouldn't say that I'm in a perfect place now- life is still challenging- but I feel good about where I'm at and I'm determined to live this experience to the fullest, whatever form it may come in. Kim gets here in 2 days which has assuaged my thoughts of loneliness and homesickness tremendously. However, I know that will bring its own set of hurdles to overcome. For better or worse, I have grown accustomed to my individual lifestyle and it will be a transition for me to re-write that. Through all of this, she has been my rock. Someone to talk to when I'm at my lowest that offers support, kind words and never-ending admiration of the person I am. That cannot be quantified in any sort of way and means the world to me. I really can't wait for this phase of my (slash our!) trip. :)
There is no doubt in my mind that I am blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life! Know that I think about you lovingly and often. I wish you all nothing less than happiness in every moment. And here is a big thank you for who you are and what you do for me!!!!
