Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Final Blog

So here is my long-awaited, final blog… I’m back in America and it feels great! There are definitely a few things that I miss: the freedom of being unknown, discovering/experiencing something new every day, the increased likelihood of meeting people as well as learning about a different culture and about myself. Although that is true, I couldn’t be happier to be back in the company of my friends and family, in familiar surroundings and to be at peace with where I’m at. I’m still trying to accomplish all of the same things that I just mentioned that I miss about my travels but it can never be the same, now can it?

Australia was the most amazing trip of my lifetime! I did so much in the span of 5 weeks… I saw a ton of the country in a short period of time so it was a bit hectic but that also meant that I cherished each place I was in that much more. I spent almost 3 weeks with my Mom and her boyfriend and we went at a non-stop, frenetic pace. Those of you that know Tom won’t be surprised with that at all! We saw the New Year’s Eve fireworks in Sydney, snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef, went White Water Rafting, hiked Uluru, the Olgas and King’s Canyon too. These are some of the most amazing things I’ve ever done! Also, it was great to spend that much time with my Mom and Tom as you don’t really get the opportunity to do so as an adult very often. Kim joined us for a while and that was great too. She has always dreamed of seeing the Great Barrier Reef and that wish came true on this trip. Sydney is such a thriving city and I once again, had the best experience there thanks to all of the wonderful people I have met along the way. I also volunteered at a meditation resort for 10 days outside of a tiny town called Murwillumbah. It was such a relaxing and peaceful time for me... I was really able to get back in touch with myself, understand the inner-workings of me, think about my time in Thailand and practice some much needed self-forgiveness. I will always cherish that time although it was hard work-both at the resort and personally… I was quite disciplined in my routine, even though I didn’t have to be, and my goal was to focus on the things that make me happy. I guess it worked! I also had the pleasure of making a lovely friend, named Sam. She imparted her simple wisdom and wowed me with the many stories of her life. I will never forget her!

Arriving back in the States caused me a bit of anxiety because I felt like I was returning to my “real” life that is fraught with responsibilities, endless daily duties and the overwhelming task of deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life. Although I still feel that somewhat, it has been assuaged by the love and support that I am surrounded by every day. Just one example would be that my friends and family picked me up from the airport in a Limo and then we went out to the clubs, all of us equally excited to be in each other’s company. I didn’t sleep a wink that night which is very unlike me! That week was filled with homecoming events, good times and the feeling of all-encompassing joy and gratitude for all of the people I am blessed with in my life.

Since then, I’ve been living in Wimberley at a family friend’s ranch just doing random ranch-like things. I have been mostly doing manual labor and I love it! For example, I have de-weeded the organic garden (by hand), sold some chickens and a ram but mostly I’ve been busy trying to remove rocks out of a field. It is so gratifying to clear a field and to look at the piles of rocks that I’ve created. It has also given me some time to clear my head and think. This really has been a great way to re-acclimate to the States and to my life here again… I have decided, at this point, to open a restaurant and that is very exciting! The focus will be on fast, local, healthy food surrounded by a casual and welcoming environment. I just want to make a place where I would hang out and I hope that people will respond to it in the same way. That being said, I have no real restaurant experience so I’m taking baby steps for now and I will be getting a job in a restaurant once I move back to Austin in a couple of weeks. From there, I will focus on creating my business plan, finding a location for my restaurant and working on all of the practical logistics that go into it. So, it may not happen for another 6 months, but that is ok… I am excited to be creating something that makes me feel good and I just hope that success follows my passion.

For my part, I am thankful and happy for the days I spent abroad and I will never forget the wonderful people I met, the experiences I had and the memories I created. Although it was the most difficult year of my life and it definitely didn’t pan out the way I had envisioned, I would never take it back and I have no regrets. I have grown so much over the past year and the fact that I finally did something scary and huge, something that I had always wanted to do but never quite had the guts to do, has given me self-confidence, an increased amount of knowledge and awareness and a different perspective of life. These kinds of things don’t come easy, they are earned, and I am so glad that I put the time and effort into learning and understanding such things. I now walk through my days with an open heart, a huge smile, more appreciation for the important things and a lot less stress about the little things. Life is so good right now and I plan on reveling in it for as long as possible.

Here’s a big thank you to everyone that has been and is part of my life and my journey. Much love!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Leaving

Today is my last day in Bangkok and I am feeling pretty good about this goodbye. There are things that I will miss but I know that I am taking a step that is good for me and my overall health. I am very excited to come home... So excited that I haven't really even pictured what my trip to Australia will look like; I've been focusing more on Austin. I know I will have a great time so it isn't a worry for me, but figuring out what I will do once back in ATX is. I have some time to think about though...

Before I left, I made a small list of things I wasn't going to miss about Austin. It consisted of these 3 items:
1. Allergies
2. Dog hair
3. Making Tiffany's Christmas list because she can never come up with things she wants.
I haven't missed those things at all!

Here is my list of things I won't miss about Bangkok:
1. Pollution
2. Being sick
3. The sewer smell that permeates the air at all times.
4. The long hours and stress from teaching at International House
5. The interchange of trains at Siam
6. Drinking only bottled water
7. Not being able to flush toilet paper
8. The heat/constant sweat
9. Undulating sidewalks
10. Traffic
11. Dirty white guys
(The last two I may not be able to avoid once back in America, but at least it will be minimized.)

Here are the things that I will miss:
1. The people
2. Everywhere else in Thailand beside Bangkok
3. Thai food

Wow- my list of things that I will miss is pretty short when compared with the list of things I won't... There's proof that this is the right decision. :)

I love you all and hope you are having fantastic holidays. See you soon!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Goodbye to Bangkok!

I leave Bangkok for good on Saturday and I'm feeling anxious about it. I am very much looking forward to my trip to Australia but I still have no idea what I'm going to do after that. I'm pushing that aside for now but I know it's not something to be ignored and the time to face it will come. I am trying to think about what makes me happy, what interests me and then how I can make money at it. I am considering teaching back in the States as well. I really enjoyed the teaching part of my job and feel like I could do it happily for a long while. We'll just see I guess!

It is hard for me to say goodbye to everyone and it makes me incredibly sad. I have met some really great people and they have become my family while here and I'm going to miss them a lot. I know that these friendships won't die and that we will remain in touch, but I can honestly say that I have no idea when I will see them again and that is difficult information to sit with.

I am sad to say goodbye to Kim too. Although we didn't work out, I really care for her and it is painful for me to think about her being here, all by herself, trying to find happiness. Of course it is her decision to do so (or not) and I'm trying not to carry any of that responsibility but I do feel somewhat guilty because she chose to go to Bangkok because that's what I wanted. I am starting to mourn the loss of the relationship in a real way and that has been really difficult. I wish things could be different, but they aren't, so now I'm focusing on figuring out how to open my heart. I don't want to make the same mistake again and this is crucial for me to figure out if I'm ever going to be happy in a relationship.

There were certain things that I wanted to accomplish on my trip and I'm not sure that I've succeeded in that endeavor but I have learned so much none-the-less. I will always cherish this part of my life, be proud that I went for something this big and for being honest with myself about things that are hard to do so with. I have no regrets and although I have had some hard times here, I have gained an incredible amount as well. I'm not as scared as I used to be, I have confidence that I can do anything I want in this world and I value everything in my life in a completely different and more enhanced way. I am now able to cherish the little things easier, I view and hold my relationships with people as more rich, full and unconditional and I am thankful for every moment. I recognize the things that are important with greater clarity and I am willing, able and motivated to find my own happiness.

It is a bit overwhelming that this chapter is coming to a close because well, this has become my life- I am comfortable with it and it's what I'm used to. I am going back home, which is a place I know well, but I will still have to create a life again. I am excited that it will be shared with my friends and family but I know that it will still require a lot of work. I feel pretty confident that it will all work out well and that I will be fine, but the uncertainty is scary.

I love all of you and hope that you have a very Merry Christmas!

XOXO,
Sonya

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Update

I've figured out my plans (for the most part) and it looks like I'll be home on February 8th/9th. Woohoo! I am so excited for my upcoming trip to Australia too!!!! I can hardly handle it. I am heading to Sydney on the 26th, to meet my Mom and Tom, and we are going to be there through the New Year. Kim joins us on New Year's Eve and then we are off to Cairns to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef. We also have a white water rafting trip and hike through the rainforest planned. Kim goes home on the 5th and we head to Ayer's Rock, which is a huge rock in the desert in the middle of Australia and it's a monumental part of the country. The plan is to hire a car and we are going to Alice Springs and King's Canyon through the 11th. At that point, my Mom and Tom head back to Sydney and I'm going to hop on a bus and head to Adelaide which is supposed to be this cool, hippy-type town with a great live music scene. I'm going to hang there for a few days, and then I fly to Brisbane, which has some of the best surfing in Australia. I'm not the greatest surfer in the world but I am determined to get up one more time in my life so this could be my chance!!!! :) Anyway, I will then go to the place that I am volunteering for a couple of weeks- I found a meditation retreat that will take me on... I am so excited! Here's the web address if you want to check it out: www.upc.com.au. It is surrounded by mountains and its supposed to be quite peaceful. It's just the kind of break I was hoping for. I am really looking forward to some down time where I can collect my thoughts and relax a bit. I have to work 4-6 hours/day but that doesn't seem that bad considering I'm getting room and board taken care of. I will head back to Sydney on the 27th or so and then I'm flying back to Bangkok on the 2nd. I will be here for Kim's birthday, for Debbie's (Joann's sister) 40th and hopefully, I will get to see everyone one last time. I also get to leave some stuff here which is incredibly helpful!

My last day of work is on Saturday and I'm really happy that this day has come. I feel good about the decision I made and that it's the right one for me. It has been tough to say goodbye to all of my students and a bit strained between my boss and I but everyone ultimately understands. It was pretty funny to have one of my student's Mom look me up and down the other day and tell me that I don't look sick. Oh, I'm sorry- I didn't know you were a doctor! Do you want to know all of my symptoms or should we just move on? :)

I'm pretty well packed in my mind to leave this place but my stuff is a different story. I'm stressed about it but I'm sure I can get it all taken care of next week so I'm trying not to be too stressed.

That's it for now! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your holidays. I'm sending you some Christmas cheer, smiles and good times.

XOXO,
Sonya

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Coming Home!

So, most of you know by now, but I'm coming home soon! I put in my two-weeks last Sunday and everything has been moving at a really fast pace since. I am preparing my departure and can't believe that I've collected so much stuff since I've been here. Luckily, I have been able to find good homes for most of my things and it hasn't been too hard. I am really excited to come home but the decision has definitely been bittersweet. I am trying to hold space for both emotions at the same time which is quite the challenge!

Kim and I broke up over a month ago and that has been really hard. I know that it was the best thing to do in the situation but it has been hard for both of us. I haven't been able to be open/available in the relationship for some time now, particularly since she's been in Thailand. I have also been tending to my own emotional turmoil which has taken up the majority of my energy and strength... Then add in the stress of a new job that requires a lot of my time, living in a new country, in a HUGE city, away from my support group and it was just more than I could bear. We have had some difficult days but the bottom line is that we both truly care for each other and I hope that we are great friends someday.

The main reason I have decided to come home is because I have been sick for almost 5 months now. Without getting into the gory details, I have had stomach issues and I've been to the doctor 8 times but they've been unable to properly diagnose the problem. According to my blood tests and everything else, I am healthy, in good shape and have no problems, but I just can't seem to get better. So, they have treated me for a myriad of options and I'm constantly taking some sort of pill but there hasn't been any improvement. With that being the case, I feel like it's a good idea to come home and take care of this there.

That being said, everything else has been weighing on me greatly... The illness is probably just what moved this whole situation into the completely unmanageable realm. Work has drained me since I've started and although I've gotten a lot better, the hours never seem to reduce and it has constantly overwhelmed my life. Jeff, my best friend here in Bangkok, left to go back home and it was been really hard without him here. He is someone I will always be friends with- he's got my back, I've got his; we talk about everything or nothing; have a similar approach to life; and we like to have a good laugh. His friendship has been the most valuable thing I've gained from this trip. I already miss him.

I'm sure you're wondering what's next... Honestly, I have no idea and that freaks me out! I am going to Australia on the trip to meet my Mom and Tom and well, I'm just not going back to Thailand. I have decided to stay in Australia for a bit longer than them and volunteer at an organice farm for a couple of weeks. The farm owners will provide me with room and board which is a cheap way to stay in the country and it's summer there so it should be gorgeous. I'm thinking somewhere along the east coast so that I can enjoy the ocean and mountains at the same time. I'm looking forward to relaxing, eating clean and healthy food and getting my thoughts together before heading home. I'm not sure when I will be back in Austin, but it should be the latter part of January-the beginning of February.

I'll just figure everything else out when I get home... I have a few options on the table and although they are mostly temporary things, they are enticing in their own ways. As far as my overall future, I still haven't figured that one out and I'm ok with that for now. I know that this is the best decision for me, right now, and that's all I can know so I'm sitting in that place as comfortably as possible. I am so excited to see everyone! By the time I get back, I'll have been gone for 10-11 months and that really does feel like forever.

You are all in my thoughts and I carry you in my heart.

Much love,
Sonya

Friday, October 23, 2009

I'm a Teacher!







Here are a few photos of me teaching!






Sorry that it has been a bit of time since I last blogged... I always intend to do better but well, life is just busy! My teaching hours are high again which equates to some pretty long days. I worked 10+ hours everyday this week, without lunch and I went in on my day off. It is amazing how much energy and time teaching takes. I had no idea and I have a new-found respect for anyone that is a teacher. I am learning a lot though and I feel more comfortable with my abilities, which feels really good. I've been teaching for almost 5 months now which is shocking to think about!

I've been trying to have some fun on my days off but surprisingly, that is kind of hard to do in Bangkok. It is such a big city and I know that there are things to do, but I just can't seem to figure out what. I find myself working out, watching movies and just bumming around a lot. It can be a bit boring but sitting with the boredom has proven to be a good lesson for me. I have been reading a lot, keeping up with the world news and my brain feels more activated than before. I'm really thinking about what is going on in the world, ideas, opinions, why the way things are as they are, etc. It has been fruitful and quite enjoyable really.

I also have a few trips planned during the next couple of months and Rheannon and James are going to be here over the Thanksgiving holiday too. I'm really looking forward to that! Kim and I are meeting my Mom and Tom in Australia for the Christmas/New Year's holiday. We are going to the Great Barrier Reef and we get to see the fireworks over the Opera House on New Year's Eve. It is a once-in-a-lifetime experience- how cool!

Kim and I had a bar-b-q at our place last night and it was a lot of fun. We had a tiny, electric grill that took forever to cook on but that's just how grilling goes sometimes. Everyone from my office came and we ate tons of food- burgers, chicken wings, potatoes, corn, carrots and onions. Yum! We ate straight-up American fare but it was shared with Thais and a Japanese girl (that one of my co-workers is dating) so the theme was 'East meets West.' Good times. :)

Aside from the boredom, I am still really missing home. I have a hard time imagining myself being away from everyone for another year! That just feels like an eternity and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to manage it. It's tough though... Kim's contract doesn't end until the latter part of September 2010 and that is a major factor in how long I will stay here. We'll just see how this goes I guess...

I feel like I have a lot of personal work to do while on this little adventure so I'm trying to focus on that as well. I am challenging myself to be more present, open and honest with my thoughts and emotions. This has led me down a few dark paths but I am determined to come out the other side. I don't want to continue carrying the guilt, pain, sadness and shame that has burdened me for so long now. This, I know, is the reason why I came to Thailand. I'm in the middle of my personal journey and am working hard in order to reach my goals. It's difficult but very worthwhile in the end.

I miss you all and hope you are smiling. XOXO

Monday, September 28, 2009

Austin Moments

Hi all,

I'm back in the land of the lawless and I am happy to say that the transition hasn't been as difficult as anticipated. I don't have to create a new life for myself so I've been able to find comfort in my routine and the normalcy of my daily life. I do miss everyone already though! It was so nice to be home... It was so nice to just be. The good thing about being here is that there is something new to do everyday and that is exhilerating, but it can also be exhausting! For now, I am happy and feel good about things. I am trying to keep it all in perspective and to just enjoy it all as much as possible.

My work hours are picking up again but it isn't as overwhelming as before which is nice. I finally feel like I kind of know what I am doing! That being said, I completely confused a student of mine the other day (over past perfect simple) but that is to be expected. I am still learning and I was able to take a lot from that lesson. The best part about teaching is that I get an opportunity to correct it/do better the next time I teach them.

It was really good to see Kim again! She started her new job while I was away and seems to be enjoying it. She has a ridiculous commute of an hour to and from work and we have opposite schedules which isn't much fun. But, we are trying to figure that out and will get to a better place with it. I am happy that she has started her teaching journey here and she seems happy with it as well. I just hope I still get to see her! :)

I promise to blog more and to keep in touch better. The thought of being away from everyone for another year is too much to carry at times, but I have come to terms with that thought by promising myself to continue communicating as much as possible.

For now, here are my Top 10 Austin Moments:

1. Friends and Family.
All of the love, respect, care and support that I felt from home still fills my heart with joy and happiness. I am so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life. Words really aren't enough to describe this feeling but I think you all know what I am trying to say.

2. Google Bacon Scarf.
For those of you that don't know... bacon is back, in a big way! Seriously though, google bacon scarf if you get the chance.

3. Gorilla Bear.
This is the same as 'grow a pair' for those of you that can't hear very well. That's when a guy has small balls and needs to man up, in case you were confused. :)

4. If you have something important to say and want to get people's attention, simply touch your right armpit with your left hand and it's a sure bet- they WILL look at you.

5. Jumping off my Mom's boat dock with Tiff.
Overcoming the fear of just going for it is an incredible feeling, but follow it with a few seconds of free fall and it is one of those moments where you understand what life is about. Oh, and try to make sure that Theo doesn't follow you, because he will.

6. Pool and lake time.
Relaxing and enjoying friends and family. Not sure if it gets much better than that. Not to mention that you're cheeks will hurt from laughing so much.

7. Late night creek-side.
Sitting on the rocks, overlooking the water and talking about life. Good times! The world's worst Bloody Mary couldn't even ruin that.

8. Mexican Food.
SO GOOD! Polvo's, El Chilito and my Mom's fajitas all shared with a glorious margarita, or two. Oh, I miss that already.

9. Bud Light.
Sadly, I do miss Bud Light. I'm not sure if its the beer or the time spent talking with friends that I associate with it. Does it matter?

10. Ping Pong Tournaments.
Massive ping pong tournaments that last for hours. I forgot how much fun that is and how, surprisingly, it gets my adrenaline running. I am looking for a ping pong league in Bangkok. I will join one if I can find it but I must admit that I am scared of Asian ping pong players.

I hope you are well and I will talk with you soon! XOXO