Goodbye to Bangkok!

I leave Bangkok for good on Saturday and I'm feeling anxious about it. I am very much looking forward to my trip to Australia but I still have no idea what I'm going to do after that. I'm pushing that aside for now but I know it's not something to be ignored and the time to face it will come. I am trying to think about what makes me happy, what interests me and then how I can make money at it. I am considering teaching back in the States as well. I really enjoyed the teaching part of my job and feel like I could do it happily for a long while. We'll just see I guess!

It is hard for me to say goodbye to everyone and it makes me incredibly sad. I have met some really great people and they have become my family while here and I'm going to miss them a lot. I know that these friendships won't die and that we will remain in touch, but I can honestly say that I have no idea when I will see them again and that is difficult information to sit with.

I am sad to say goodbye to Kim too. Although we didn't work out, I really care for her and it is painful for me to think about her being here, all by herself, trying to find happiness. Of course it is her decision to do so (or not) and I'm trying not to carry any of that responsibility but I do feel somewhat guilty because she chose to go to Bangkok because that's what I wanted. I am starting to mourn the loss of the relationship in a real way and that has been really difficult. I wish things could be different, but they aren't, so now I'm focusing on figuring out how to open my heart. I don't want to make the same mistake again and this is crucial for me to figure out if I'm ever going to be happy in a relationship.

There were certain things that I wanted to accomplish on my trip and I'm not sure that I've succeeded in that endeavor but I have learned so much none-the-less. I will always cherish this part of my life, be proud that I went for something this big and for being honest with myself about things that are hard to do so with. I have no regrets and although I have had some hard times here, I have gained an incredible amount as well. I'm not as scared as I used to be, I have confidence that I can do anything I want in this world and I value everything in my life in a completely different and more enhanced way. I am now able to cherish the little things easier, I view and hold my relationships with people as more rich, full and unconditional and I am thankful for every moment. I recognize the things that are important with greater clarity and I am willing, able and motivated to find my own happiness.

It is a bit overwhelming that this chapter is coming to a close because well, this has become my life- I am comfortable with it and it's what I'm used to. I am going back home, which is a place I know well, but I will still have to create a life again. I am excited that it will be shared with my friends and family but I know that it will still require a lot of work. I feel pretty confident that it will all work out well and that I will be fine, but the uncertainty is scary.

I love all of you and hope that you have a very Merry Christmas!

XOXO,
Sonya